His insane mind
This is going to start off in an akward spot...but my mind is wandering, going mad, and I'm about to loose it further than I already have... as he loves me to do. To go insane as he is..this is his main priority. His goal. His main mission in life...to try and control me and my mind because he can not control his own.
He told me once upon a time, "I love to plant seeds in people's heads to watch them go insane". Tell me, how disterbing this is to anyone in their right mind?... I'm not gonna lie, it pissed me off when first being told this but at the same time broke my heart that he was and is still wired this way. Who hurt him? Who and how could someone get off on the pain of others and feel good about knowing that they themselves caused that tourment, pain, sorrow, unhappiness and they feel good about it in the end?... Never could I!...Never!
Yet, I found myself playing his "game of chess, not checkers" as he always says but at the same time telling me "ITS NOT A GAME!", I'm not going to lie, I'm lost. I had to find out the hard way that this was part of his "game" or "not a game"?...
This is a mind of a beautifully genius mind gone mad. Driving himself to insanity and determined to take anyone down with him along the way.
My name is Justine Amanda Carver. I am a 36 year old female from cedar hill Missouri. I have been a drug addict since I was the age of 12-13 years old. I started like anyone else...smoking pot, drinking, then on to other things. Acid, shrooms, meth, then on to pills(downers aka: opioids), then to selling them and after trying, then liking them, then wanting them, to needing them all the way to having to have them to function... This was the beginning of the end of the rest of my innocence as I knew it...and damn near my life.
I had become a fulltime drug dealer selling oxycotton for my uncle at the age of 21. All just trying to take care of my first born son as a single mother, it was hard. Then when they no longer were the "real oxys", I turned to the next available solution to getting "well" as we call it. That was to turn to heroin. So, I did. It turned me into someone I could never imagine myself being... Yet, it's made me who I am today.
If I had to change that...I honestly don't think I would, in a way. All I would change would be not to have had helped those who are no longer here today with us. Those lives I had helped destroy, I have to live everyday knowing I helped them destroy themselves as well as those around them. It kills me. If I could take that back...I would...in a heartbeat!
I've been wanting to blog of my life and things I've been through in the hopes of helping those that may be in a position that I once was in. Oh, btw...I've been clean from that demon since September 09, 2015. So, going on 7 years. Yet, it's taken just about every and anything I loved or cared about to get it through my thick skull to overcome it. So, when people ask me how I did it...it's a long story. I'll tell it though.
I started to write this blog while being extremely pissed off. Hurt, lost, alone, confused, feeling as if I'm in a tunnel vision and I still am for the most part. I had to "whoosaa" though. Because, the man I speak of in the beginning, he had abducted our son the first time meeting him. For 16 months I had taken care of and loved and provided for our son while he was dealing with his demons.
I had to protect our child though, getting protective orders against him was the only way. To have to deal with someone that is legally insane, that is duel-diagnosed sociopath being only one of his diagnosis, and on ice (aka:meth). That is the scariest thing ever! Except the fact he abducted our child at 16 months old in the hopes of holding him hostage from me that I would merry him. I will not! My child's father is brilliantly insane. He is genius but bat sht crazy.
He took over my everything back in 2017. He is a web developer that reads and writes "raw code" or whatnot. I knew nothing. With my not even knowing how to turn on a phone when coming home from prison in December 2016. He knew this...and took full advantage. Now, its been a year since he had stole our son. We never been married, never had DNA tests done. Yet, the county I am at won't even give me a wellness check on my child! How is someone not to go insane?...How am I not to look a "crazed psycho" loosing my ever-loving damn mind?!?!....WHERE IS MY BABY?!? WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING TO MY CRIES OR HELPING ME IN FINDING HIM?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AND WHY CAN NOBODY GIVE ME A LEGIT ANSWER AS TO WHY I AM BEING KEPT FROM MY BABY? YET, THIS MAN THAT HAS PREVIOUS FELONIOUS RESTRAINT AND ASSULT AGAINST HIS EX GIRLFRIEND AS WELL AS MULTIPLE DRUG CHARGES IS ABLE TO ABDUCT A CHILD THAT DID NOT KNOW HIM WHATSOEVER?!?! THAT IS SO TRAUMATIC AND TRAUMATIZING TO A 16 MONTH OLD!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN TOWN IM IN?!? I'VE CALLED DFS, COPS, LAWYERS, G.A.L, JUDGES, EVEN 1-800-THE-LOST...I STILL GET NOT A THING!!! ....I don't want to get upset all over again...but GOD PLEASE.....SOMEONE....HEAR MY BEGGING FOR HELP IN FINDING MY BABY AND GET HIM HOME WHERE HE BELONGS!!! PLEASE.... BEFORE I LOOSE MY MIND COMPLETELY!!